Mole hills and Other Problems

There is so much that 2020 has thrown at all of us, and I am experiencing some exhaustion from the enormity of it all. I have been subconsciously and consciously attempting to make sense of myself and my life for a few years, but it seems like I have put much more active effort into it this year. Which means that I've encountered so much more of my being and essence than I knew was there. And in encountering these parts, I find myself getting frustrated by the seemingly cyclical nature of self-discovery, self-love, and creating your best life. The high of standing strong in a boundary you erected followed by the lows that come with recognizing exactly why you felt the boundary was necessary in the first place. That first glimmer of change when you don't respond exactly how you've responded a thousand times before, along with the disappointment of consequences when you thought you were solving a problem. There once was a capybara whose life long dream was to build the most beautiful home and garden there ever was. The species had advanced so far as to begin walking on their hind legs, but this capybara was born with an extra leg, so they walked kind of in a peculiar, shifting manner. Sometimes, they would regress to scrounging around on the ground simply because it was more comfortable. Growing up, the capybara's family all had various oddities about them and they got on in life fine, but no one was particularly happy with anybody else. The two main rules of the house were 1) Never suffer a mole to exist where you are and 2) If a mole must exist where you are, you will not allow its presence to be known to any other creature. 

Now, the capybara's family homes had the occasional mole in their yards, but they had their ways of ridding themselves of the infestation. The capybaras made all kinds of contraptions to trap the moles and, once the moles were gone, made heroic attempts at making it seems that they had no yard at all which could possibly tempt a mole to create a home there. So our dear, shifting capybara had learned all the tricks and felt quite prepared to strike out on the venture of creating the most beautiful home and garden. They searched for the perfect place, close in the same neighborhood of course, and bought a modest fixer-upper with a wide open yard. The family helped with the move and even squabbled over how the furniture should be arranged. As the capybara settled in, puttered around the house doing a project here and there, and watered the occasional house plant; they felt so peaceful and at home that they stopped keeping up with the family they had left behind.

About a month into this blissful existence, the capybara awakened earlier than normal to a tingling sensation in the extra leg and suddenly the peace was shattered. With a clumsy jog through the house and out the backdoor, they saw not one, not two, but three fresh mounds of soil in what used to be a perfectly manicured lawn. Stifling a screech of horror, the capybara grabbed the first thing they could find, knowing that this plague must be stomped out. If you've never seen a capybara beating every inch of earth they could see with a hammer, I highly recommend it. Our poor dear capybara had no idea how hilarious it would have been for anyone else to watch them, panting and silently screaming while furiously pounding at the ground, effectively ruining the lawn. Obviously, their training of never letting anyone else know you have moles was coming in VERY handy. 

Sometime around midday, the capybara was exhausted and satisfied with their effective problem solving skills and congratulated itself on a job well done. Repairing the lawn would have to wait until another day. Feeling an air of accomplishment, the capybara went inside to prepare a sandwich and take a well-deserved nap. But again, the capybara was startled awake from pleasant dreaming to the SAME damn tingling! Our capybara all but flew out of the house to see ten more fresh hills of dirt. The he poor lawn chair was nearly broken to pieces as capybara punished the ground in a manic rage. By nightfall, paws bleeding and throat hoarse from heavy breathing, capybara had soundly defeated those ten hills; he had been too busy to notice that twenty more had arisen. This was WAR. 

One thing you should know about the capybara is that they are actually quite lazy and love to trick other creatures into dealing with their problems for them if they can. So instead of going to bed to gather wits and senses, the capybara located their Rolodex and shuffled through until the words "GOPHER ACQUAINTANCE" popped out. Capybara knew that gophers were on a crusade for the moles, but it was highly discouraged by all to invite them in due to their canny ability commandeer mole frontiers with little consequence. But our naive, tired capybara schemed long into the night and created the perfect plan. A quick phone call and this problem would be good as gone by sundown the next day. 

The parade of gophers arrived right on time, each of them with a sparkle in their eye, ready for a hard day's battle. The HGIC (head gopher in charge) charged into our dear capybara's breakfast nook, as one does, bellowing about the battle plan and some promise of minimal damage to the yard. Despite the rude interruption of his morning tea, the capybara was soothed by the HGIC's confidence and went bustling around the house, as if it were any other day. Somehow, the screens erected in front of the windows went unnoticed by our sheepish capybara; and besides, they were too busy fielding calls all day from the family members who were feeling neglected and curious about rumors of a mole infestation in the area. The end of the day report from HGIC was the moles had been nearly beaten back, but they would need to return to finish the job after a good night's rest. HGIC urged capybara to ease his mind and find comfort in the knowledge that those pesky moles would soon be gone for good. "A sizable night cap wouldn't hurt either" he yelled back as the army marched off into the night. Capybara wasn't sure what he meant by this as everyone knows nightcaps only belong in tales by Charles Dickens. But, two hot toddies did help sleep come more easily. 

Now, what our dear sweet capybara didn't know is that gophers' hatred of moles is second only to their love of leaving messages of disdain within their tunnel shapes. They had a particular knack for digging inexplicable insults into their work in order to further injure their mole counterparts. Which was quite the futile endeavor because moles have no sense of direction or visual spatial reasoning...they just go where the grubs are. But the game made the gophers feel infinitely superior. 

So, when the screens came down, poor capybara's eyesight deserted him momentarily for it could not bear to witness the horrific expanse that was their once beautiful lawn. In two days time, ravines had formed in strange arrangements around the whole of the grounds; there wasn't a green blade of grass in sight, and it was more unsightly than it ever was before the army and that dispicable HGIC had arrived to carry out their evil deeds. Capybara completely forgot the hush-hushness of the whole operation and screamed, "WHAT HAPPENED TO MINIMAL DAMAGE?!" so loudly that it echoed off the neighborhood houses. HGIC appeared bewildered and admitted it was more than anticipated, but they had fulfilled their original objective of ridding the yard of moles. True, his men may have let their love of games get slightly out of hand, but lucky for capybara, HGIC had another crew who could come through the next week and create a landscaping paradise, for an additional cost of course. Capybara was still half blind and weak from the stress, so HGIC was dismissed with a wave of the forepaw and a mumbled agreement to an appointment, bright and early next Monday morning. 

All weekend, capybara bustled and averted their gaze from the windows, not daring to set foot outside, lest their heart give out and the only job the crew would have on Monday was carrying away a strangely shaped capybara corpse. 

Once again, HGIC arrived bright and early with a fresh new crew and loads of beautiful green stuff. Capybara gave him as stiff a talking to as possible before retiring to the den to read and drink more tea. It took all week, but a green paradise was indeed delivered, and it was so beautiful that many of the gophers had taken to drinking glasses of lemonade in the shade of the newly planted shrubbery and trees. Capybara wondered if it had actually been finished a day ago and now, they were being paid to enjoy their own handiwork. Checking in with HGIC, he awkwardly informed capybara that his crew was indeed enjoying their time in the yard and would agree to a reduced price if allowed to stay just a couple more days. Capybara wanted them gone now, but was no good at negotiation. Hesitantly, capybara agreed, reasoning that there was plenty of time to enjoy the yard once they were gone, and what could two more days hurt. 

Two days came and went. Three days. And then a fourth. Capybara assumed they would just leave on their own as agreed, but still they remained. On the sixth day, capybara tried entering the yard, but the door was jammed shut with an ill placed raised garden. "That is IT", capybara thought, "This ends NOW!" Capybara scurried out the front door, mustered everything they had, and sauntered over to HGIC who was puffing on a cigar around a lovely water feature capybara had NOT approved. Aware of the weakness in negotiating, capybara straightened their spine and said, "My neighbor down the road has a job for you and I've given you a shining recommendation". HGIC knew this was a bold-faced lie, but took pity on this poor creature with an extra leg; he knew they had overstayed their welcome and it was only right that they leave capybara to manage upkeep on the yard.